The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
All excellent questions
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The two types of wives
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”