i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?