[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!