If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Big Sex has us all fooled
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.