“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
shit just got real
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.