[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*