If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Nice try, NASA
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.