The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
want me to check your oil?