dogs can find happiness so easily
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”