This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
58.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.