I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
These work great until they don’t.
The human personality is made of five key elements
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.