where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You Might Also Like
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.