*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
This line from Airplane.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February