Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Holy moly
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Pretty much. 🤣
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this