I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“i miss shittin on people”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean