got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.