me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Going into Monday like
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
That’s enough internet for the day
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.