My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya