Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
😂😂
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
one of
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”