No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let鈥檚 go over the proper way to greet customers
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she鈥檚 really good.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…馃槀馃惍馃悜
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don鈥檛 make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
me: slip out of that little red thing you鈥檙e wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I鈥檓 married
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.