When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)