Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
You Might Also Like
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
crazy
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant