One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.