doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
They’re on their honeymoon
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I came this close!!!!
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you