if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO