I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
WTF
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body