The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.