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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Woke up against my better judgment again
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males