I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Maths meets science
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!