Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do