I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.