you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
lol
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I’m having an out of money experience.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!