waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!