Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
very niche meme I made
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.