I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you