me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Risking my life for fun.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*