I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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