[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Perfection.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Oh the world we live in…
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak