probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Boom, boom, ching!
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I would move hell over six inches for you
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.