I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You Might Also Like
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
San Francisco has too many rules
crochet youtube is brutal
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?