You Might Also Like
is this a threat
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
i spent way too long on this
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock