do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Nothing.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave