New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
You Might Also Like
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*limbos away from your hug*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.