Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
You Might Also Like
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*