Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
How can I say no to this ?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.