Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me