*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”