Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
You Might Also Like
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
that de-escalated quickly
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”