Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.