The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I feel seen
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…